Why is it that my body is broken?
How is it possible that all genetic tests (for me and DH) come back normal? That all my tests for reoccurring loss come back normal, and yet, I've had 4 miscarriages?
Why do my miscarriages on the babies that seem as though they'll last (2 were really doomed from the start of the 2nd beta), occur late in the first trimester and we found out at 14 weeks?
How is it that everything seemed to work out well for this cycle - and so many of my friends are due right around the same time I was (seriously, I know 5 people due Feb/Mar) and now this?
What do I do with all the baby stuff I've been storing for the next kid?
Is this the end of the line for our attempts at biological children?
I was an only child and I so wanted to have another sibling for my daughter. Now her siblings are with Jesus. Did I want this too much? Was I trying to play God?
How do you decide between domestic and international adoption?
How do you stop hysterically crying when you think about what might have been?
When does your heart stop breaking?
Why can other people seem to get pregnant so easily and yet stay pregnant? And even some people who go to the doctor for the first pregnancy and then have a second on their own? And yet, our story is so different?
What is God trying to tell me? Teach me? And am I listening?
5 comments:
Oh I WISH so much I had answers for you.
This is total assvice, but a good friend of mine (who has one daughter- IUI) has been struggling with miscarriages and chemical pregnancies while trying to have a second. She just found out she has anticardiolipin antibodies, and apparently they are acute (there are three types) so they come and go, and she was just super lucky and didn't happen to have them when she was pregnant with her daughter.
I say this because I had never heard of them. But I'm sure your RE has tested for them as well.
I'm so sorry, Nity. I feel so helpless. I wish I lived closer so I could come and hug you in person.
xxx
T.
Gosh I could have written this. It's eerily similar to everything I have been through also. I am an only child, had daughter exactly one month before yours after IUI, just had 4 th miscarriage last week since her. Three of my losses were after 11 weeks and all testing normal. No answers. I haven't found anyone out there with a situation like mine. I have thought these questions countless times...not many can say "I know how you feel"... But I really do.
I wish I somehow had all of the answers that would put your mind and heart at ease. It's so hard not knowing, and each loss seems to bring more and more questions. It was always difficult for me to get those "normal" test results, and six miscarriages later to still wonder why my body was broken. I'm so sorry, dear friend. I can't know exactly how you feel, but I do know the hurt of loss after loss. I'm praying for you and thinking of you often. Wish I could hug you and sit with you a while. Hoping you feel the Lord's loving arms around you now more than ever.
Sending you some love. I lost a little boy right around 13.5 weeks, too. I still miss him so bad. You'll be in my thoughts.
I've asked myself most of those questions many times. I have been through four miscarriages with all tests normal too. None of it makes sense and it's just so unfair. So sorry for your loss! I'm thinking of you!
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