Can't sleep

First, thanks for all of you who have sent your support - texts, emails, comments, messages. They are so greatly, greatly appreciated. Words cannot express how thankful I am for this community and your friendships. Many of you 'get it' in ways other people in my life can't, because they haven't been there. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

---

Ever since I found out our baby died, I haven't been sleeping well.

The first night, I woke up at 4 am and started crying. Of course I woke up hubby too. Neither of us went back to sleep. It made for a rough Friday - D&E day.

Then, I keep waking up early... around 6. Everyday. And I'm not a morning person. Or either I (or hubby) wakes up to pee and I can't get back to sleep.

It was one of those nights so I thought I'd type up my list of questions I want to talk to the doctor about when I meet with them. Just to get them off my chest an out of my head.

I still feel very much like a zombie, walking in a land of disbelief. Physically, I'm feeling much better. I've been taking it really easy (they told me not to get up for more than 5 minutes at a time for 5 days). I also got antibiotics this time and some medicine to make my uterus cramp up. Hopefully this will prevent me from having to go back to the hospital with an infection, passing massive amounts of blood clots like after my last D&E.

But the emotional part. Yoozers. When do I stop thinking I've woken up from a bad dream?

I keep throwing around adoption (domestic, international); our one remaining frozen embryo, and would I ever do IVF again. I keep praying. And every day - even hour - my decision on any one of them could be different. And so could the hubby's. He's learned not to let me make any definitive plans... so much of what I feel afterwards is shock. I'm a planner by nature so I want to plan through the shock and not grieve.

I need to grieve.

We were reading through Psalm 30 and 31 last night and a couple versus struck me (all ESV below):

Psalm 30: 5 "...weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30: 11-12 "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. Oh LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"
Psalm 31: 7 "I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul..."

I am glad that I'm not the author of my life. I know that eventually my mourning will turn into dancing and that I will throw off my 'sackcloth.' Eventually.

Ecclesiastes 3: 4 says there is a "time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, a time to dance..."

Five, ten years from now, I know I will look back in my life and I won't see it the same way I see it now. But right now, the mourning sucks. I'm just trusting that God has a reason for everything; I don't know it, I probably won't ever know it. I probably can't ever explain why this is happening, but I am trusting that God's in control, especially when I'm not.