No more waiting

We took a break. A real live break. For a complete year.

A year off of actively 'trying to conceive with the doctor.' (We actively tried on our own, but that's another story. Nothing happened there.)

A year where I don't look back at our pictures and vacations and think about where we were in a cycle - pre, post, pregnant, or miscarrying, or post miscarriage.

A year where I got back in shape. And ran a half marathon.

A year to grieve.

A year to mourn.

A year to rejoice and enjoy in what we have been given.

A year to think back at all that has happened, where we have come from, who has been (or not been) in our journey and how God has continually blessed us each step of the way.

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I have not really known what to do with this blog. At first, it was therapy. It was finding collective friends who were in the same situation, or had been in my shoes prior, and figuring out how to navigate the infertility waters. Then I had my daughter. And it didn't seem right to write about her in this space. So I took time off, changed jobs and had less opportunities to write. Life just got busier.

Then we started trying for number two. And that became it's own version of a roller coaster. Uncertainty and unexplained maddening. Two years and four miscarriages later, I was shattered. Preconceived notions, jealously, brokenness, grief, unwillingness to open up, friendships letting me down, it all came to a head. So I took a break.

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Recently a college friend wrote a blog post about waiting. The season of waiting. The anxiety, discomfort and annoyance of waiting of being in-between and not knowing what is going to happen.

It made me think of this space. Of us - the blogger world - and infertility.

We in the infertility world are familiar with waiting. Pre cycle. Post cycle. Two week wait. Betas. Ultrasounds. Insurance coverage approval (or not). Waiting to save up money to cycle. Pregnancy. Miscarrying. Procedures. Time off to heal. Adoption. Paper work. Home study. Processing. Travel time. Rejection. Starting over. And more. All of it.

Waiting.

I've had several conversations with hubby about how we are waiting. We took time off. A year. A true year. And then we'll try again. And then we'll wait to see if that works. And if that doesn't work, I'll most likely miscarry. And then we have to see what happens. And then we'll probably embark upon the roller coaster that is adoption. And then there will be more waiting.

I hate the idea of "waiting" to live my life. Why can't I just live it now? Why do I have to wait?

Obviously I'm inpatient. And un-trusting. And we can make all sorts of comments about my lack of faith and my wanting to control my life. But whatever. I know I'm flawed, sinful and far from perfect. I need Jesus to help me. But that's my story.

Okay. Back to the waiting.

This college friend wrote something beautiful. And that prompted me to want to share it with you.

Instead of waiting for the gift, she remarked that the waiting itself is the gift.

Waiting is the gift?

What?!?

I've been thinking about this for a couple weeks. And I'm still puzzled. But, it has prompted me to try to live more in the NOW and less in the waiting.

To be more grateful. And more proactive. And less planning.

These past couple years have taught me that I cannot plan my life. I will not have 2.5 kids and a dog and a house with a picket fence and a big yard by the time I'm X years of age. Or whatever your ideal situation of your life is going to be. Full disclaimer - that's not necessarily mine, but it seems like what the movies tell us is the ideal.

I cannot think, "I will be doing this (whatever this is) in a month, or two years."

All I can think of is "this is the now."

I can be grateful for what I have now. I can plan ahead to try again. I know the rough estimate of that timeline. But I don't know what happens after that. I cannot guarantee what is going to happen.

I'm trying to give up waiting for the next best thing and focus on living my best thing now. Trying not to judge, or be jealous. Repeating to myself, "No one's life is perfect. Even if they portray it as such." And in my case, praising God for all I've been given - even my infertility and miscarriages - and being thankful, daily, for that.

No more waiting, but being thankful and living in the now.

Will you join me?