Did you know it's spring?

Winter was a hard season for me. Grief hit me hard. And oddly enough, it didn't hit in February, right after my due date. But in March.

March was HARD.

I cried week after week at church. Not really any place else. But sitting there in church, worshiping God. I'd have tears streaming down my face.

It was  hard for me to comprehend. Why? Why is this happening right now? I'm so embarrassed. People must think I cry all the time, all week. People were looking at me strange. Once I even had to leave the sanctuary because I was crying so hard.

But I couldn't stop the tears.

A friend told me it's because I stop and sit and think about all the things God has given us then. And sorrow mingles in.

Then there were the 5 other babies that were at church, born around my due date.

My baby wasn't there.

We tried going to another church in our denomination for a Sunday. I cried there too.

We moved where we sat at church. With 5 babies, it's really hard to avoid one, but we're trying.

I met with my social worker and my pastor. And they both said - it's grief. It hits you when you least expect it. There is no magical answer, no way to turn it off. You just ride it and eventually it'll lessen.

Because what it really takes is time.

Time really is the best healer of all.

It doesn't mean I'm over grieving. It doesn't mean it won't hit me again. But I will say it's getting better.

I haven't cried in two weeks.

I've also lost 5 lb and I'm training for a half marathon. I've got the runners/exercise high now. And I feel better about being me.

And it's time.

And there was Easter.

And it's spring. The start of something new.

Spring. 

Here in New England flowers start poking through the soil. Snow is pretty much gone. And there is hope that it's going to get warmer.

Last weekend we celebrated Easter. The joy of our risen Savior. The amazing gift that He gave us. Lyrics from my favorite song really say it all -

Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered
And we shall reign with Him
For He lives, Christ is risen from the dead

~ from the Resurrection Hymn (See What a Morning) by Stuart Townend

Easter.

The idea that "love has won" and "He lives" changed my grief. It really was Psalm 30: 11-12

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
¹² that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

 If I sit and think about it, I wonder what's next for us... but I don't know.

The hardest thing is not actually trying - I've got the IVF thing down pat. It's the what happens after. I've got this rare thing that I've gotten pregnant every time we've tried with IVF/FET, but the last four pregnancies have resulted in a miscarriage. What happens if I get pregnant again?

And the answer is I don't know.

What does that mean going forward?

I don't know.

But I do know we're on a much, much needed break. Mo talked about how they took a year off inbetween, before having Magpie.

And I know we need it.

I'm relatively "young" when it comes to the IF world. So at least I have some time on my side.

We need the time. To grieve. To heal. To rest. To enjoy life without it being dominated by doctor appointments, needles, blood draws, and ultrasounds.

That's what's happening with me.

I hope you are able to enjoy spring too! (Or fall in some parts of the world....)