Today

Today was my due date.

My latest unfulfilled due date. I've technically had 4.

November 30, 2011. That one was really hard. But that fall was hard for many reasons. I carried that little one till 14 weeks, but found out the baby died at 12.5. And I'd already miscarried again. After our second miscarriage (Sept) my dad had heart surgery on the day of my boss' funeral (Oct). It was really rough emotionally and it took months to recover.

May 14, 2012. That one wasn't as bad. Although a friend had a baby the next day. This pregnancy was "fine" for about 2 days and then my beta numbers went crazy and I miscarried at 6 weeks. What was hard about this pregnancy was going to a wedding in a different state while I was miscarrying, and then having to do 7 weeks of blood draws after to make sure my beta numbers went down to zero so we could do all the reoccurring loss work up. The loss workup showed nothing, so that left a lot of unanswered questions.

October 2012. I don't actually remember the date, but this was a chemical pregnancy and I feel a little strange about it. I took a home pregnancy test and it was negative, but then when I went to the doctor, they said "your a little pregnant." It was strange. There was no chance at viability so I wonder if I should count this pregnancy at all, especially since I never would have known without my beta draw. But I was still sad in October, and a friend also had a baby this date too.

And finally we're at Valentine's day. My latest unfulfilled due date. I carried my baby girl for 14 weeks. She died sometime around 13.5. I had the D&E the day before my daughter's 3rd birthday party. I know at least 5 people due right around the same time as me, all who had announced their pregnancies, and yet I was still waiting till 14 weeks because I was nervous. So instead, we announced our miscarriage. I've had at least two friends who have had their babies and waiting to hear about 3 more. This one is hard and sad, but not like the first one. Mostly because I wonder what is to come.

It's strange today because of the date: Valentine's day.

Everyone's happy and celebrating how much they love each other.And I just want to scream, "Today was my UNFULFILLED DUE DATE."

This morning I got to wake up next to my husband and go into my daughter's bedroom. She was doing her sweet, sleepy cuddles and I was rocking her in the glider. I was missing our little girl that we didn't have, but I cried because there is so much to be thankful for. I was holding our amazing little miracle child and an answer to so many prayers.

As much as I miss my child that we didn't get to have today, I cannot help but think about how much we have been blessed with.

I am happily married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter who was the answer to many, many, many, many prayers (and not just our prayers). 

I think of widows missing their husbands. And kids who have lost their parents. And kids in foster care. And orphans waiting for adoption. And single girls longing to get married. Even single guys wanting to date girls. And friends who can't get pregnant. Or friends struggling with the kids they have. Or wanting more kids and can't for a variety of reasons. Or people struggling with cancer or some other disease. Or financial troubles. Or unemployment. Or...

The list goes on.

So instead of dwelling today on what I don't have and what today wasn't, I'm going to take the chance to dwell on what I do and what it is. And to praise God for that. And to be thankful. Because there is a lot to be thankful for. For the blessings on earth, but also for the biggest gift that God gave us: his own Son. 

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." ~ Colossians 1: 11-13