It's also been really fun to reconnect with other bloggers that I knew from back when!! Thank you to those of you who stopped by and commented. I am so grateful. Thank you. THANK YOU!!
So the last two weeks have been good.
No one died. Overall, my craziness feelings (i.e., get in a bad mood and can't get out) are only happening about once a week. My dad's doing ok. I gave up potty training so I am no longer getting frustrated with my daughters bodily functions. Whew. Load off.
I also talked to the social worker at our RE clinic. It's been really good to hear all the craziness I've been feeling and going through is normal and part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, she said it's probably not going to get that much better till after my due date. Yuck. But, I'm glad to know I'm not losing it!!
It's such a weird thing, this infertility beast. I'm so grateful for my daughter. I know so many people who have never been able to have a successful pregnancy (or live baby), and thus, I feel somewhat guilty to be so down in the dumps lately. Someone told me that, I'm just not my normal chipper self. And I believe that. I feel it. I just want to be me again.
I think the weird part, for me anyway, is wanting something so bad, but not being able to achieve it. I feel like my body is "broken" and I can't do anything about it. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. But the truth is, I can't. I wrestle with feeling as though God ordained this. He made me "perfectly" and yet, it seems like part of my body is broken. I don't know how to wrap my head around it.
The only thing I'm certain about is that God is in charge. I know that I'm leaning on Him more than I ever was before. In writing this, I think I've realized that "me" is changed. I think I've seen darker valleys and thus hopefully will see brighter peaks at some point. So much of what needs to happen is the passage of time. I'm hopeful that someday I will be a chipper, happy me again; I will just have a deeper perspective of sorrow. God willing, right?
6 comments:
Hi! The book that I am reading is called Water from the Rock.
Check it out! It's a great book.
http://www.amazon.com/Water-Rock-Finding-Comfort-Infertility/dp/0802429319
You will my dear. Let yourself grieve as you need. Be patient with yourself. And though God made us perfect, nobody gets out of life unbroken. We achieve the perfect in heaven. Take care of yourself.
I struggled SO much with this during the three years we waited for our E. (I hit rock bottom in December 2009.) I am not used to failing at something, and I am not very good at accepting that things are sometimes out of my control, and that no matter how much I read, or how hard I try, I cannot always FIX things.
Seriously- if you could cure infertility through research, I would have managed it.
And if I am totally honest, there is a HUGE part of me that secretly thinks getting pregnant with E. will fix me (or at least fix the PCOS) and we will get to have a second baby, and conceive that baby without anyone else being involved.
I had to grieve a lot when the failed cycles piled up. Be gentle with yourself.
hugs,
T.
my apologies for you loss... but, you have every right to feel like you do. i've struggled with IF for years. years. still no baby... biological or otherwise. but my heart breaks for every woman, man or couple suffering from some form of infertility. it seems so cruel.
i was touched by your profile in the sidebar over there. i've had a tremendous time with my relationship with God over the years... i'm working on it. gets easier over time, but i still struggle.
I remember anticipating and dreading my due date. Everything I did I said "I should still be pregnant now." But I was hopeful that once it passed I would be able to at least move forward.
You know what, the due date came and went and those thoughts went away, but the journey to acceptence is still a daily battle.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in a much better place than I was a short 2 months ago, but the loss and the grief never goes away. It just gets easier to deal with. We move forward but we never forget.
I hope that when that time comes for you are are able to find some peace and 'new normalcy.' Because we'll never be the same again, right?
Big hugs to you as you figure this journey out.
I completely understand the created perfectly yet broken feeling. Hard as it is though God sees the bigger picture.
Having a child already doesn't take away the pain of infertility though, and it never will. It doesn't make the loss any less, it just makes you hold the one you have a little tighter.
As you say time is a great healer, so be gentle on yourself and give yourself that time.
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