I was so jealous. I couldn't think of anyone but myself. I'd dwell. I would get upset easily. I didn't want to see anyone. It was awful. That was one of the reasons I started thinking about restarting up the blog. It can't be all about me. It shouldn't be.
Then the more I thought about it, I realized I've been jealous and competitive my whole life. I vividly remember having a fight with someone when I was in elementary because she had something I wanted - dress up clothes. Or jealous of my friends who had boyfriends and I didn't. Or jealous of people because they looked so well put together and I was frumpy. Or jealous of people who were skinny and in shape, when I wasn't. Or jealous of my friends who were married when I was single. Or jealous of my friends with kids when I was newly married. When we were initially struggling to get pregnant, I used to be jealous of people who had miscarriages because at least they had gotten pregnant. Now I am jealous of friends who have more kids or who get pregnant without having to go to the doctor and have multiple blood draws.
I really struggle with being content with where I am.
My sweet husband has been encouraging me to count my blessings. And I do have many blessings. Really. But often I find that isn't enough for me. My sin rears its ugly head.
At church we're studying Genesis and this past Sunday the sermon was about the fall. Our pastor was discussing how the Satan used to be an angel, but wanted to be God, and thus fell from grace. In reading Genesis 3, the concept of jealousy was super abundant and clear in how the serpent was able to tempt Adam and Eve. We all want to be God.
In order to combat that temptation, everything I've been reading these days has been pointing me more to the Word. That I need to have fellowship with Jesus on a more regular basis. Lord knows I haven't been doing that enough, so I'm trying. I did some research the other day using an online Bible (ESV) and when I plugged in the word "jealousy" 63 entries popped up. A couple of them really stood out (italics added by me):
"You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." - Exodus 20. 4-6
I had never thought about God being jealous (for me). My own jealousy stems from my making idols and trying to serve someone other than God. I worship people here on earth, children, things, etc. instead of God. My jealousy for stuff/kids is not necessarily the same or has the same weight as God being jealous, but it was something I had never thought about before. I'm still mulling it over.
The other one that really stood out was James 3 (again, italics added by me):
"Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." - James 3.13-18It's pretty clear to me how there is "disorder and every vile practice" right now in my life. I really need to start making peace with what I've been given and where I am. I think it will probably be an every day struggle, but one worth fighting. Thank goodness for Jesus.
Do you struggle with jealousy too? How do you deal with it?
6 comments:
OH yes. I had massive jealousy issues my whole life as well. We were poor, really struggled as a young family growing up and I seemed to somehow gravitate towards friends and boyfriends that always had more than we did. It was SO HARD and I found myself internalizing all of those feelings and really damaged myself in my early 20's by blowing them all out and acting like a real idiot.
When we struggled with IF, several of our friends were getting pregnant left and right. I never directly misbehaved against any of them, but I had so many awful feelings against them. I remember sitting in a church service all about comparing ourselves to each other and how we are totally dishonoring the Lord by doing so. He has a will and a purpose for each of us and comparing circumstances from one of us to another is ridiculous, as we can not ever see OUR whole picture or THEIR whole picture. Only God knows His will for each of us... and there is purpose in every struggle and everything that just happens naturally. What an eye opening sermon that was.
I pray for you to come through this time and come through it stronger! These things teach and mold us for a reason.
xoxo
Ok have you been in my head lately? You just wrote about me for sure! So YES I do deal with jealousy!!!! I have always struggled with being content in my season of life. I think we all do. And I think the best way to work on that is to read God's word and to make sure we worship Him and not anything/one else. Easier said than done...and I am working on it!!! Hopefully, we can help each other out :))
I'm a new reader, I didn't blog or read blogs for your first time around, just found you through LFCA.
I'm sorry you're back in this world of IF.
As far as jealousy goes, I think it's the name of the game in life. You know, "the grass is always greener". As long as you recognize that feeling when it comes up and deal with it rather than ignore it, I think it's ok to feel jealous once in awhile.
Jealousy and envy are nasty nasty things.
I have struggled with this and I'm ashamed to admit it. So I appreciate you coming out and stating that you are. It says a lot about your character.
It is something I've been working really hard on. It's a daily battle, but I'm seeing myself change and start to appreicate what I have and that my life is different than anyone elses.
I love the fact that you're being so honest about your feelings of jealousy. It's therapeutic to let it out.
I remember being jealous after my 3 failed pregnancies and seeing other women who had babies. It just didn't seem fair. I think it's normal to feel that way. To deal with my feelings, I found constructive ways to channel my energy (meditation, prayer, exercise, yoga, etc) which all helped me journey through my pain. Then, I ended up writing a book about it all, and included stories from 17 other couples who struggle with infertility. In other words, I "birthed" a book called Infertility Journeys, Finding Your Happy Ending. It really has helped me through the ups and downs of infertility and find my "happy" place. I wish the same for you.
Thanks for sharing from your heart!
Thanks!
Lesley
www.InfertilityJourneys.com/blog
I struggle a lot with jealousy...especially this last year. 2 SIL's had babies and my sister is having a baby in February so I have really struggled with faith and depression about our struggle. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself, I try to make myself remember that I have a beautiful daughter and that it will be okay if I don't have any more children. It stinks, but it's just the way life rolls for some of us.
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