Hi again

Well I have no idea if anyone still has my blog on their reader or not, but after a 2 year absence, I've decided to start blogging again. Although I've been following other blogs sporadically; I've missed this community. I've deleted all my old posts (or in reality, saved them to another space) and have decided to start fresh.

3 clomid IUIs, 1 IVF cycle resulting in OHSS, a freeze all on day 1 and no transfer, and a positive FET, and a healthy pregnancy produced our little girl, born on August 25, 2009.

After breastfeeding successfully for a year, and not getting my period back, we wanted to start trying for #2. I weaned our little one and within 9 days of stopping breastfeeding I got vicious aunt flo. For 2 months we tried on our own, and then realized it took 19 months of trying with medical help for #1, why should we wait to go to the doctor. So off we went.

I did the required testing and then we started our IVF #2 in Feb 2010. I transferred 2 embryos in March and got pregnant. Baby # 2 due Nov 30, 2010. After rising betas, 2 great ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks I was officially discharged from the RE. When I visited my OB, I ended up with an u/s at 11 wk (retroverted uterus makes it hard to detect an early heartbeat) and they found a cyst on the umbilical chord. There was some concern about cysts and potential chromosomal anomalies, so my OB suggested an u/s at 14 wk at the beginning of the 2nd trimester. That u/s revealed that little baby's heart had stopped beating at 12 wks. I had a D&E on June 3.

Wanting to get pregnant before my due date, we went through some testing in July and went for a FET in August. It was super quick and surprisingly, I got pregnant with baby # 3 due May 15, 2011. Initial betas were ok, but a little low. Soon I had irregular rising and the RE was very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. 2 u/s, 4 b/w and a natural miscarriage, the RE finally determined the pregnancy was not ectopic. They are following my HCG down to zero and then we'll see where we go from here.

I've been dwelling on Psalm 30 a lot, specifically v5, 11-12:

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning...
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

I have no idea what God has in store for me. I have no idea why it takes IVF for us to get pregnant. Lord knows, it's a miracle that every time I've had an embryo inside me, we've gotten pregnant. But now we have 2 children in heaven, and I have no idea if it's the Lord's will for us to have anymore natural children here on earth.

Both miscarriages were hard for different reasons. I ended up back in the hospital with the first one with complications due to massive bleeding (I think a blood clot burst) and the second was hard because they were so concerned about an ectopic pregnancy.

I am so grateful that I have one healthy, beautiful little girl who keeps me on my toes and distracts me from my sadness and dwelling. She helps me count my blessings.

I do struggle with jealousy, especially when fellow IFers have easily gotten pregnant with # 2, or even people around me. But I'm trying to realize that everyone has their own burden to bear. And I know some IFers have never been able to get pregnant.

So this is my back into blogging- our attempts to conceive # 2 and my struggles with counting God's blessings in the midst of the storms.